The sexual ‘other’

At the end of the last entry, we briefly mentioned that abusive husbands often have sexual affairs outside of their marriage with the sexual ‘other’ – this is the third kind of sexual abuse (the first two being marital rape and control of reproductive rights). This ‘other’ usually refers to ‘western’ women, who are portrayed as more sexually permissive and accessible than the SA wife. The ‘other’ woman can be a reality, or she can be a threat, which suggests to the wife that if she doesn’t fulfill the husband’s sexual expectations, he will seek his sexual pleasures elsewhere.

Abraham found that in cheating, or threatening to cheat, on their wives, abusive husbands drew on notions of SA sexuality (wherein tradition requires that wives meet their husband’s sexual needs) and Western sexuality (which connoted sexual adventurousness). Several women reported that their husbands made clear their intentions to cheat early in the marriage. One husband flew into a physical rage when his wife accidentally told his mistress that he was married. Another ignored his wife in favor of another woman, leaving her alone and isolated.

One wife described how her husband forced her to watch pornography and then demanded that she perform the same acts that she had seen. This is problematic in two ways – first, of course, there is the rape aspect of this demand; second, generally, pornography objectifies and is demeaning to women. Abraham reviews several studies which suggest that pornography normalizes perceptions of sexual behavior, which makes it harder for women to resist unwanted sexual acts.

There are many consequences to this kind of sexual abuse. Women who were the victim of this kind of abuse felt isolated, abandoned, and a loss of self-esteem Many felt sexually inadequate, and some felt as though they had failed in their role as a wife. Abraham points out that this pits women against the other – the rage that a woman might feel for her philandering husband is now directed against the ‘other woman.’ This kind of sexual competition further degrades women’s self-respect and allows men to remain in sexual control.

[For more information, see: Abraham, M. (2000). Sexual Abuse in South Asian Immigrant Marriages. Violence Against Women, 5(6), 607-612.]