DV in the SA Muslim community

Last week, we focused on the influence of religious culture on the lives of Muslim victims of DV. This week, we shall explore how their experiences of DV are further complicated by certain aspects of South Asian culture.

Ayyub describes how, even though South Asia is made up of a number of different cultural and ethnic groups, each with their own distinct histories, customs, and languages, many of them share a highly patriarchal and hierarchical structure. Within a family, men and the elderly have the highest status, and women and the young have the lowest status (so a new bride who has just entered the household would find herself with the least power of any member of the family). Many SA cultures resist the development of an individual identity. An individual is primarily defined by their family relationships (parent, child, sibling), and individual needs and desires are subsumed by the interests of the larger family unit.

Traditionally, in SA cultures, there is a strong social emphasis on marriage. Parents may feel pressured to get their daughters, whom they raise to be modest and dependent, married off as soon as possible, since there is little tolerance of a single, independent, working woman. In Islam, a single woman is perceived to lead to fitna or social disorder. [Ayyub has noted that parents seek to marry off girls that they perceive to be too independent, often on trips to the home country]. A woman’s role is to be a good wife and mother, and remain dependent on her husband or other men in the family. Notions of shame and honor are magnified to maintain the patriarchal family structure. A woman who fulfills her prescribed role brings honor to the family; conversely, a woman who does not – such as a single or divorced woman, or a lesbian – brings shame to the family. In other words, women, who have the least power and status in the family, bear the responsibility for maintaining a happy family.

Women adhered to the traditional structure when they had few other options and when they did not have access to information or resources. Upon arriving in the US, however, many found themselves in a more egalitarian society in which husbands shared power with wives, where independence was encouraged, and individuality was valued. In many cases, their husbands tried to recreate the patriarchal family structure, but women who found that they could choose to work, access information, services and resources, and stand on their own feet, resisted reverting to the old structure. This transition appears to be hard on male immigrants: Ayyub finds that only a minority of DV cases involve an external cause (such as adultery, alcoholism or drug use); the majority of cases involve the unwillingness of the male partner to share power and control.

Both Islamic religious culture (discussed last week) and SA social culture (discussed above) are, to some extent, distal factors. But families of origin, which embody religious and social culture, have a more immediate impact on women.

Ayyub observes that victims of DV tend to idealize their family of origin. Even though the women recognize that they come from patriarchal societies, and many recall abusive family relationships, they remember their parents as protective and generous, and their home as one filled with love. They remember their parents as encouraging them to have a decent education (even if, in fact, the parents were doing so in order to improve their marriage prospects). These romanticized memories ill-prepare women to address the abuse that they experience.

The reality, however, is less attractive. Many parents, having invested a great deal of time and money in their daughter’s education and on her wedding, are loath to see the marriage end. Many daughters report that they feel a sense of obligation to their parents, and are reluctant to let down the parents who have been such supportive providers and have sacrificed so much for her happiness. Women are socialized to believe that they will bring shame on the family if they do not maintain their marriage, even when there is abuse. This belief is so strongly held that when the parents urge a woman to remain in a violent marriage, their involvement is considered helpful rather than abusive.
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Ayyub offers several suggestions to end domestic violence in the Muslim SA community. At the family level, she recommends that parents raise their children, both male and female, to be independent, self-aware, and free of social constraints. She suggests questioning the belief that a marriage must be saved at all costs, and urges parents not to oppress their daughters further by compelling them to stay in an abusive marriage. At the community level, she proposes that SA Muslims accept that DV is a real problem. Mental health professionals can educate the community about the effects of DV on the family, and can provide information on resources and support services that can be accessed by victims of DV. At the religious level, she recommends clarification of rules and regulations regarding marriage and divorce, and suggests that religious and community leaders take a strong and unequivocal stand against violence towards women.

[For more information, see: Ayyub, R. (2000). Domestic Violence in the South Asian Muslim Immigrant Population in the United States. Journal of Social Distress and the Homeless, 9(3), 237-248.]