"Why doesn't she just leave?"

This is a common question, often asked by well-meaning observers, about women in abusive relationships. Before we dive into a specific discussion of DV in the South Asian community, it is necessary to have a general framework by which to understand DV. While there are no easy answers to the question asked in the title, a possible explanation is provided by Social Exchange Theory.

The most important variables in a relationship, according to Social Exchange Theory, are rewards and costs. Rewards include anything pleasurable or satisfying in a relationship. This could include love, romance, companionship, intimacy, etc. Costs, on the other hand, are things that are disliked or unsatisfying in a relationship, such as compromises, frustration, boredom, and violence. It seems logical to say that a woman would only stay in a satisfying relationship, in which rewards exceed costs, and would leave a dissatisfying relationship, in which costs exceed rewards.

It is rarely this simple, however. We need to consider what previous experiences the woman has had, and what expectations she has for the future. These experiences and expectancies provide a comparison level from which the current relationship is measured – “Is this better or worse than what I had before? Is this what I want for the future?” A woman who is in a dissatisfying relationship, therefore, may remain in that relationship because the relationships that she has known were similar to her own, or because she has little knowledge of what other relationships are like.

Furthermore, it is necessary to consider what other alternatives are perceived to be available to the individual – “Could I do better elsewhere?” Some women may recognize that they are in a dissatisfying relationship and may even be aware that it does not need to be this way, but they may believe that no other options are available to them. (It is important to note that they may come to believe this because of their abusive partner, who may convince them that they are somehow unworthy or undeserving of love).

A perceived lack of alternatives alone could persuade a woman to stay in an abusive relationship, but it is important to understand the impact of other variables, such as possible investments and barriers. Investments and barriers discourage a woman from leaving a relationship because- they cannot be fully recovered when the relationship ends. Investments include money, property, and time, and barriers include children, legal status, and feelings of shame.

A woman may recognize that she is unhappy in her relationship but may feel that it is her lot in life or that she has no other other alternatives. Or she may desire to leave the relationship, but may find herself unable to do so because she is fearful of losing people and things that are important to her. Her experiences, expectations, investments and barriers all discourage her from leaving an abusive relationship.

Although Social Exchange Theory does not capture all the aspects of the abusive situation, exploring the problem of domestic violence through this theoretical lens shows that leaving an abusive relationship is never as straightforward as it seems. When one considers all the reasons that women may find themselves in abusive relationships, the question, "Why doesn't she just leave?" seems too simple; we need to be asking, "What can we do to help her leave?"